boracay escapade

i created a photo book for our boracay trip... come on and take a look (click on the book)...

*** thanks to gelo gelly for proofreading it
**powered by shutterfly

before and after frank

yes, i'm back. i was out for a couple of days from this sphere. i dealt with myself's emotion and short coming. it was last week when i bumped in with an illusive prank on a friend's page. there were foul words which hit me big time. i know for myself that i delivered my words the gentlest way that i could ( i even mistaken that person as somebody else) but in return, i still got that piercing chant. on the verge of this crap, i was hoping for an answer from my friend. but to no avail, i got nothing despite the tons of messages on his YM and his mobile. as always, he removed his cbox from his page. just that. i have my reasons as to why i'm ranting this way. friendship is so important for me. i took sometime off just so to have a break and think things over. this is how my blog looked like for a couple of days (right image). thanks for those who dropped in some message on my cbox. so sweet :)

let's cut the drama, there is more to rave about. recently, i joined The Blog Awards Challenge 3. my entry entitiled "ang pangalan ko ay pen palaboy" was the best entry and was the reader's choice. wee! i did not expect such recognition. thanks! thanks! thanks! congratulations as well to the rest of the winners, kudos!

my message goes:

maraming salamat sa lahat ng nagbasa, bumoto at nakiosyoso :D wala ni sa
hinuha ko ang mapabilang sa mga napangaralan. salamat sa mga hurado.ang
madaaanan ng inyong mga mata ang mga salitang sinambit ko ay higit pa sa
kaligayahang nadarama ko. hanggang sa muling pagkikita..

AKO SI PEN PALABOY!

aside from this, i have something to rave about. this happened hours before frank came to manila..

i so much love you guys!

friday the thirteenth

friday the 13th is considered a day of bad luck for most of us. thirteen (13) is said to be unlucky or irregular since it will always give you a remainder of 1 when your divide it by 2, 3 , 4 or 6. friday, on the other hand is considered a doomed day because for a fact, as per the bible, Jesus died on a friday.

the fear for this day is called paraskavedekatriaphobia derived from the greek word paraskevi (friday) and dekatreis (thirteen). although there are a number of significant accidents, i still considered it a lucky one.

it was last friday when i finally had my awaited rest day. i was excited. so much excitement that my heart almost burst. it's been a while since i went out on a friday night, considering that my life's routine is work and home.. a mall rat at times. two of my blog friends, BUNSO and KUYA M, and i finally decided to meet in person.

i won't go on the details since it is for me to keep. with wasabi chips and overflowing beer, it was a blast! non stop laughter and story telling of topics anything under the sun.if not for the dawn, we would not stop.. i had fun. so much fun that it still gives me the same feeling of excitement right at this very moment. it is not everyday that i meet friends; this one, i will truly keep.

shall you track back my archive, you'll be able to see that this is one of the few happy posts, if not, this is the first of its kind. i don't usually brag about happy thoughts since i want them to remain inside me. i posted this just so you know how proud and greatful i am to finally meet them in person. this is just the beginning of an endless friendship... i won't let this slip anymore.

to bunso and kuya m, thanks! love you guys!

my mood was quite pumped up when vener told me about the LIRA workshop the other day. i started day dreaming afterwards. wishfully thinking that a dream is about to come true.

at half past six in the evening, reality started to bite me and it is knocking my insanity out of me really hard.. hello!! does a 24/7 account rings a bell??? that was my mind yelling at me. i am working on a laid-back job that pays averagely and it goes round the clock. my shift goes on a weekly or sometimes monthly basis. so i could never really tell when my next rest day would be.

next shift came and i decided to request for a permanent week end rest day for the months of june to august. with fingers crossed and high hopes, i emailed the workforce and my supervisor as well. it was wednesday then.

it's already sunday and i have not received any respond from both parties. the hour glass is almost up for the submisson of applications (whooosssshh.. there goes LIRA) and nothing from them. in an obvious way, it is a big fat NO!

it just saddened me how work hinders me from the things that i like. i know that i am not working on a normal 8-5 job but i cannot simply ignore this opportunity. i love my work and there is no doubt about it. however, this is not my life, writing is. it is my passion. the entity that keeps my sanity burning.

i guess i am left with no choice but to wait for another one to knock my door..

im currently at work, staring blankly at my monitor. waiting for a call to penetrate my avaya, thinking..wishfully thinking that my permanent rest day request will be granted. it will be just for all saturdays and sundays from june to august (is it too much to ask for?? *wink! wink!*). this urgent request is for the upcoming LIRA workshop.. yes! a writing workshop that i've been dying since ages to attend to. and now, it is already in front of me, inviting me, pulling me, teasing me, tickling me (as if hearing the song oh lumapit ka.. kung gusto mo akong halikan, di kita sasawayin alam na alam mo namang ito'y gusto ko rin..)

it was just a few days ago when vener and i bumped into each other in ym.

vener: musta?
pen: ok lang. kaw?
vener: ok lng din. punta ka ba sa LIRA?
pen: ano un?
vener: writing workshop un. punta ka website
nila.
pen: cge cge. ano
url?
vener: search mo na lang,
hindi gumagana saken dito ung link
vener: sat at sun yan
pen: darn!
vener: d ka makapunta?
pen: dko sure e kc work..
vener: sayang nman.
pen: kaw punta?
vener: hindi e.
pen: waaah! bakt?
vener: madami kc ko gagawin..

(at nagkaroon na ng mahabang pause hanggang nag log out na ang isa sa amin..at hindi eto ang eksaktong mga salitang ginamit..props lang hehe!)

im crossing my fingers (and toes too..if it is hell possible to do!) that this will be granted. im calling on the patron of writers and godess of quills! writing is my passion and enhancing it will be a big step for me.

i've been writing (in filipino) since the era of pinoy alternative genre popped out of its shell,the time when ely is still the drop-dead-frontliner of eheads (o pare ko meron ka bang maipapayo? kung wala ay ayos lang..). this is a personal choice, since this is one way of showing my love for our country (pero sa entry na to english talaga dapat :D). i never thought that writing would be my passion. it started as one of the what if moments in my adolescence..what if im a band member who sings her lungs out for the song she wrote..or what if im a song writer of a chart buster song.. or simply what if im a writer who spills out what's on her mind.. the rest is history.. naks!

soooo.. for you who is reading this, please..PLEAAAASSSEEE (i'm begging please) to include me in your prayers *beautiful eyes * hehehe!

thank you! ok back to work..

by the way para sa mga nais ng kabuuang detalye tungkol sa LIRA, paki-click lamang ang kasunod na screen shot (nose bleed nako :D )..ok back to work na talaga..

saturday morning (reposted)

PEN PALABOY

27 wounds and a word embeded on my wrists are all i needed for me to realize that my only hope was taken away from me once again... why does it have to be always like this? why me? so much for everything that i held on to..i am tired... tired of believing all the false hopes and broken dreams... i have become a skeptic... a skeptic who will never be the same old gullible person that i was... but i still need to know the reason of my being... the reason why the wind took him away from me... i need to understand for me to calm the beast that i have become... i need to understand for me to save myself from the horror that i might do to myself... at least for now...

ZKEY

the beast inside was the beauty that slept between you and me last saturday morning!!!

PEN PALABOY

but the beauty that laid between you and I can no longer be seen... for these naked eyes can only see what is the wicked and what is unwanted... for this emotion can only feel angst and bitterness... this is my sweet revenge... this is what i have become since saturday morning..

ZKEY

i was once blinded by the promise of blood and even tasted the kiss of ogre. if my words and poem cannot save you from the beast that lives inside of you. i wiill cry an endless masterpiece that paints the sweet revenge of one dead poet...

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

PEN PALABOY

if thy scream can serenade

the soul of the beast inside a hapless poet...

then maybe,

just maybe,

a glorious serenity

will blow the arms of these hands

and calm the horror within...

**salamat sa iyo zkey sa pagbahagi mo ng iyong natatanging kakayahan..

an ode to my dad

it was at 6:30 in the morning when i left home yesterday for work. i was thinking of how my day would be like..it was friday and it's the last day of our foundation training...one day away from rest day...yippee! i rode a tricycle to the main road still thinking on what to say on our show and tell portion in training class when suddenly the girl who was sitting next to me shouted PAPA! and waved her hand to her dad who was then riding a motor bike. my eyes started to burn and tears rushed down my cheeks. my heart stopped beating for that particular moment..and everything i’m thinking of vanished..all the noise of the morning rush turned to silence.. i was caught mesmerized by the smile on their faces..i was so envious of her for i will no longer be able to do that with my dad. no more warm hugs. no more butterfly kisses. no more high fives. no more hbo movie marathons. no more good times. no more hanging out inside power books. no more silly jokes with him. no more hearing him calling me anak.. no more, no nothing more.

a friend once asked me if i haven't accepted my dad's death yet. truly, it's been three months since then. but for a papa's girl like me, a period of three months is not enough to forget those times that we've shared..i guess a lifetime won't do either..three months of keeping to myself that im slowly dying without him..i might not show it and you might not know it but inside is an empty shell of a daughter longing and wanting to be on her father’s arms again.

it never fails to make me cry when i see fathers and daughters together, be it inside the church or inside a cafeteria. it always brings back my dad’s image.. his scent.. his voice.. his presence.. the way he dresses.. his sweet smile.. his funny gait.. his passion for coffee.. everything about him comes in a flash. if only he’s here, i know he would be the proudest among all proud dads.. or he would be sitting right next to me, teasing or playing a joke on me. if only he’s here, he would hold the remote and be in control of the television.. or be in front of this computer playing solitaire or billiards.. if only he’s here, he would be in charge of the kitchen during sundays and doing his exquisite delicacies.. or simply just being here giving out love and laughter.. if only he’s here, he would bring me down the aisle when I decided to tie the knot with the one.. if only he’s here, he would enjoy going on a midyear vacation with my mom.. if only he’s here, our home would be better and complete.. if only he’s here..

it is said that crying is a therapy of letting go a high emotion, indeed it is. i know this solidarity will subside.. the emptiness will be filled.. the shell will no longer be empty.. the wounds will heal.. and then i will soon learn to rise from my desolate world and truly accept the fact that my dad is no longer here. he’s up there, smiling down and looking after us. proud and happy. time will come and my days will pass me by, I know he’ll be there. waiting and waving his hand with a smile on his face.

to my dad.. papa i know you’re with the creator.. i’ll take good care of mama and dey, and of course ate who's a million miles away from us.. i’m missing you badly..thank you for what i am and what i am not.. i’m looking forward on seeing you again.. i love you!

aug 05 06

confession of a masochist

it is at times like this, when everything seems to be jammed up and everything seems to be undoubtedly hopeless that i loose myself and make me pay for everything that make up my confussion.

it was a starless night. the sky shows off its pitch black beauty as the wind sways the leaves, swaying and dancing as if enjoying being watched by my fascinated eyes. the sky was so dark, no clouds, no nothing except for the big, bright, full moon light. the night is superb. to most, it is a perfect time for romance. but for me, it is the time to think things over. especially when everything is so irrelevant and intangible.

but when i was just about to free myself from all the angst and anxiety, it was when they summoned the beast in me. a beast that i've been trying to tame for the past several years. i tried not to trigger my anger. but i was weak, so it raged. once again, i have turned myself into a beast.

i went out of the house mad. i felt the rush of the adrenalin into the stream of my veins. i ran as a mad dog. running and chasing for its prey. i felt my heart beat fast. fast it goes like a the beat of a drum. i sat by the shore. no one is ever responsible for this but myself and so i must be punished.

despite the sound brought by the speeding waves, i can distinctively hear the sound of the dagger running through my flesh. cutting deep into my skin, tissue by tissue. i felt my skin opened. i felt the air ran between my separated flesh. it happened so fast. so quick that i wasn't able to feel a single pain. i have repeatedly done it. not once, not even just twice. i repeatedly enjoyed the pleasure of seeing myself in pain. the scenario was so horrible. so horrible that it may be the next top grossed horror movie. it's like count dracula thirsting for blood. but in my case, i crave for pain.

slowly everything faded away. the sound of the cool breeze, the sound of the splashing waves, the sound of the silent night. my eyes started to get heavy. i tried to stay awake but i couldn't. i just couldn't keep my eyes open.

i found myself lying on the sand. i sat up and thought for a while. i cannot remember anything, just snap shots of a terrible nightmare. but not til i saw the stain on my shirt and the dagger on my hand. it was when i realized that i gave myself nine cuts. nine deep excruciating cuts. i threw the dagger as far as i could and burried my face into my hands. i cried. i cried to my heart's content.

suddenly, fear embraced me as to a shawl covered me from the cold. i fear of losing everything i have. i fear not to see the dawn anymore. its like a grim is chasing me. i want to run, i want to hide. i felt sorry for myself. i felt mad, stupid and crazy. i almost put my life into my hands. i felt so lost and wounded inside. i did not only hurt myself physically, but also emotionally and mentally. i made everything worse.

i stood up and took a dip on the water. i painstakingly washed my wrist with salty water and removed the stain. soon it will heal.

on my way home, i realized about a lot of things. i remembered those people around me. those who love me and those whom i love. i thought of my plans, my dreams and my goal. i realized that life has a lot to offer me. life is too precious to loose. and then, i thought about God, His blessings ang His love. and with that everything just turned out fine... i felt relieved and healed.

written: august 30, 2004