an ode to my dad

it was at 6:30 in the morning when i left home yesterday for work. i was thinking of how my day would be like..it was friday and it's the last day of our foundation training...one day away from rest day...yippee! i rode a tricycle to the main road still thinking on what to say on our show and tell portion in training class when suddenly the girl who was sitting next to me shouted PAPA! and waved her hand to her dad who was then riding a motor bike. my eyes started to burn and tears rushed down my cheeks. my heart stopped beating for that particular moment..and everything i’m thinking of vanished..all the noise of the morning rush turned to silence.. i was caught mesmerized by the smile on their faces..i was so envious of her for i will no longer be able to do that with my dad. no more warm hugs. no more butterfly kisses. no more high fives. no more hbo movie marathons. no more good times. no more hanging out inside power books. no more silly jokes with him. no more hearing him calling me anak.. no more, no nothing more.

a friend once asked me if i haven't accepted my dad's death yet. truly, it's been three months since then. but for a papa's girl like me, a period of three months is not enough to forget those times that we've shared..i guess a lifetime won't do either..three months of keeping to myself that im slowly dying without him..i might not show it and you might not know it but inside is an empty shell of a daughter longing and wanting to be on her father’s arms again.

it never fails to make me cry when i see fathers and daughters together, be it inside the church or inside a cafeteria. it always brings back my dad’s image.. his scent.. his voice.. his presence.. the way he dresses.. his sweet smile.. his funny gait.. his passion for coffee.. everything about him comes in a flash. if only he’s here, i know he would be the proudest among all proud dads.. or he would be sitting right next to me, teasing or playing a joke on me. if only he’s here, he would hold the remote and be in control of the television.. or be in front of this computer playing solitaire or billiards.. if only he’s here, he would be in charge of the kitchen during sundays and doing his exquisite delicacies.. or simply just being here giving out love and laughter.. if only he’s here, he would bring me down the aisle when I decided to tie the knot with the one.. if only he’s here, he would enjoy going on a midyear vacation with my mom.. if only he’s here, our home would be better and complete.. if only he’s here..

it is said that crying is a therapy of letting go a high emotion, indeed it is. i know this solidarity will subside.. the emptiness will be filled.. the shell will no longer be empty.. the wounds will heal.. and then i will soon learn to rise from my desolate world and truly accept the fact that my dad is no longer here. he’s up there, smiling down and looking after us. proud and happy. time will come and my days will pass me by, I know he’ll be there. waiting and waving his hand with a smile on his face.

to my dad.. papa i know you’re with the creator.. i’ll take good care of mama and dey, and of course ate who's a million miles away from us.. i’m missing you badly..thank you for what i am and what i am not.. i’m looking forward on seeing you again.. i love you!

aug 05 06

kanser

Kung ako’y bibigyan ng pagkakataon
Upang muling balikan ang kahapon,
Ito ay ang kahapong ikaw ang kapiling
Kahit ilang beses pang ito’y ulit-ulitin.
Nais kong balikan ang nakraan
Sa kahit na anong paraan
Upang lubusang pagsisihan
Ang mga kasalanang sa iyo’y naiwan.
Mula sa silid na aking kinahihigaan,
Pagpikit ng mata’y di mapigilan.
Mataimtim na tumatawag sa Poong Maykapal
At pilit na ipanararating itong dasal.
Panginoon,
Ako po nawa’y bigyan pa ng pagkakataon
Upang ang aking buhay ay muling lumaon.
At muling makasabay sa daloy ng panahon.
Ngunit marahil ang kasaguta’y hindi.
Sapagkat ang aking sigla’y di nanumbalik.
Marahan nang nilamon ng sakit na sa aki’y
humalik
Ang buhay na di muling maibabalik.
At sa pagkakataong ito,
Nais kong ikaw ang kapiling ko.
At sa iyong tabi ay mahihimlay ako
Upang ang mga huling sandali ay masaksihan
mo.
Ang huling hiningang ibubuga,
Ang mga nalalbing habiling ipapaalala,
Ang tunog ng tibok ng bumabagal na puso,
At ang huling daloy ng rumaragasang dugo.
Marahil ay wala nang kahit ano pang paraan
Upang itong pamamaalam ko ay tuluyang
Mapigilan.
Bagkus patuloy na lamang kitang pagmamasdan
Kasabay ng pagsuko ng buhay na sa Kanya ay
hiniram.

jan 26 00

saturday morning

27 wounds and a word embedded on my wrists are all i needed for me to realize that my only hope was taken away from me once again..why does it have to be always like this?why me?so much fo everything that i held on to..i am tired..tired of believing all the false hopes and broken dreams..i have become a skeptic..a skeptic who will never be the same old gullible person that i was..but i still need to know the reason of my being..the reason why the wind took him away from me..i need to understand for me to calm the beast that i have become..i need to understand for me to save myself from the horror that i might do to myself...


at least for now..

07/07/07