wedding singer

there are still so many words that i'd like to say
still so many songs that i'd like to sing
so many plans that i'd like to pursue
a plan to have a life with you.

but now that things have changed,
tears are now falling down my face,
my heart is now shattered in this place,
wishing me out of this maze.

and now that you arte leaving,
with those wedding bells ringing,
it seems for you that all is fading
yet still, i would treasure everything.

as you wait for her down the aisle,
as you watch her sweetest smile,
i would turn my back away
but promise, i would always stay.


sept 26, 2004

selda

kung nakapagsasalita lamang ang apat na pader ng silid na ito, marahil ay naisiwalat na ang bawat emosyong ikinulong ko sa loob nito. ang bawat ganit at pagkamuhi sa sarili.

kung nakapagsasalita lamang ang sahig na kinatatayuan ko, marahil ay nailahad na ang bawat patak ng luhang iniiyak sa bawat gabing nagagambala ang aking pag-iisip.

kung nakapagsasalita lamang ang kisame ng silid na ito, marahil ay napigilan niya ang bawat pagdanak ng dugo sa bawat pagkakataong sumisilab ang damdamin ko.

kung nakapagsasalita lamang ang silid na ito...ngunit hindi. bagkus ito'y patuloy na lamang na magmimistulang piping saksi sa bawat yugto ng panahong aking tatahakin.


isinulat noong hunyo 6, 2003

querida

(alay sa mga number two)

Umaga,
Pigilan mo ang nagbabagang araw sa kanyang pagdungaw.
Huwag mong pahintulutan ang bawat nakasisilaw niyang sikat
Na sumaboy sa buong nahihimlay na kapaligiran.
Hayaan mong kahit ngayo’y humaba ang nananahimik na gabi
At minsan pang pagharian muli ng buwan ang madilim na himpapawid
Sampu ng mga nagkikislapang bituin sa langit.

Sapagkat sa maikling pagkakataon lamang na ito,
Ang mga inaasam-asam ko’y matatamo.
At ang mumunti kong mundo’y muling magpapatuloy sa pag-inog.
Hayaan mong sarilinin namin ang bawat ipinuslit na sandali
At nang ang mga masisidhing damdamin ay di na kailangan pang ikubli.
Sapagkat ang ganitong pagkakataon ay maaring di na muling maulit.

Gabi,
Huwag mong hayaang ipaghele ako ng antok
Kasabay ng init ng kumot na sa akin ay bumabalot.
At nawa’y iligtas mo ako sa pagkalunod sa mundo ng nakasusuklam na bangungot.
Hayaan mong sa makamundong realidad, kami ay saglit na bumukod
Upang ang kanyang damdamin sa akin ay malugod niyang ituon.
Sapagkat alam kong sa sandali lamang na ito, wala nang iba pa kundi ako.

Umaga,
Huwag kang maging maramot, ika’y magparaya.
Huwag mong kitilin itong ligayang nadarama
At hayaang ang damdaming nauumid ay patuloy na pumakawala.
Sa huling pagkakataon ako’y nagmamakaawa.
Nawa’y pigilan mo ang iyong liwayway sa pagbuka.
Sapagkat sa paglaho ng mapagkandiling gabi,
Ako’y patuloy na niyang lilisanin.

isinulat noong disyembre 10, 2002

pugante

Ako baga ay tila hapong hapo
Sa walang tigil na kakatakbo
Mula sa paligid na kay gulo.
Nais ko nang makatakas sa pangungulila.
Ngunit kahit saang dako magpunta,
Presensya mo’y laging nadarama.
May tatlong taon na ang nakakalipas
Ngunit alaala mo’y di pa rin kumukupas.
Tila walang oras na ito’y nakaalpas.
Ani mo’y isang alipin
Na naghihintay na lamang kitilin
Ang buhay na di na kayang baguhin.
Nais kong pumakawala,
Makalaya,
At ang nadarama’y humupa.
Subalit kahit ako’y patuloy pang tumakas,
Kahit ubusin pa ang lahat ng lakas,
Kahit abutin pa ng ilang bukas,
Alam ko,
Alam ko sa aking sarili,
Na patuloy pa rin kitang iisip-isipin.

isinulat noong pebrero 28, 2002

gising na

Kay siglang pagmasdan ang himbing
Na bumabalot sa iyong mga hilik.
Nais kong dumait sa iyong tabi at ang aking mga mata’y ipikit.
Ngunit kahit anong pilit ang gawin,
Ay patuloy akong nananatiling gising sa gitna nitong madilim na silid.
Nais kitang gisingin sa aking mga halik at ito’y idampi sa iyong mga labi.
Nais kitang gisingin
at ikulong sa nanabik kong mga bisig.
Nais kitang gisingin sa haplos nitong
mapagkandili kong mga daliriat saka ilalapit sa iyong mga pisgi.
Nais kitang gisingin sa bulong ng aking tinig
at sabihing mahal kita sa kahit na anong himig.
Nais kitang gisingin sa dagundong ng tibok nitong nauuhaw kong puso
at amining wala nang ano pang bagay ang nanaisin.
Nais kitang gisingin
At patuloy na ngang mahimlay sa iyong tabi.
Ito na wari ang pinakahihintay kong sandali
Upang palayaing pilitItong damdaming alipin sa masidhing pananahimik.
Ngunit nang kita’y akin nang pupukawin,
aking napansin na ikaw pala ay mayroon nang katabi.
Agad na nadama ang hapdi
at sadyang di mapigilan ang hikbi.
Aking napag-isip-isip
Na marahil ay hindi na lamang kita gigisingin.
At marahil ako’y patuloy na lamang na
Magmamasid sa iyong pagkakahimbing.


isinulat noong abril 22, 1999

confession of a masochist

it is at times like this, when everything seems to be jammed up and everything seems to be undoubtedly hopeless that i loose myself and make me pay for everything that make up my confussion.

it was a starless night. the sky shows off its pitch black beauty as the wind sways the leaves, swaying and dancing as if enjoying being watched by my fascinated eyes. the sky was so dark, no clouds, no nothing except for the big, bright, full moon light. the night is superb. to most, it is a perfect time for romance. but for me, it is the time to think things over. especially when everything is so irrelevant and intangible.

but when i was just about to free myself from all the angst and anxiety, it was when they summoned the beast in me. a beast that i've been trying to tame for the past several years. i tried not to trigger my anger. but i was weak, so it raged. once again, i have turned myself into a beast.

i went out of the house mad. i felt the rush of the adrenalin into the stream of my veins. i ran as a mad dog. running and chasing for its prey. i felt my heart beat fast. fast it goes like a the beat of a drum. i sat by the shore. no one is ever responsible for this but myself and so i must be punished.

despite the sound brought by the speeding waves, i can distinctively hear the sound of the dagger running through my flesh. cutting deep into my skin, tissue by tissue. i felt my skin opened. i felt the air ran between my separated flesh. it happened so fast. so quick that i wasn't able to feel a single pain. i have repeatedly done it. not once, not even just twice. i repeatedly enjoyed the pleasure of seeing myself in pain. the scenario was so horrible. so horrible that it may be the next top grossed horror movie. it's like count dracula thirsting for blood. but in my case, i crave for pain.

slowly everything faded away. the sound of the cool breeze, the sound of the splashing waves, the sound of the silent night. my eyes started to get heavy. i tried to stay awake but i couldn't. i just couldn't keep my eyes open.

i found myself lying on the sand. i sat up and thought for a while. i cannot remember anything, just snap shots of a terrible nightmare. but not til i saw the stain on my shirt and the dagger on my hand. it was when i realized that i gave myself nine cuts. nine deep excruciating cuts. i threw the dagger as far as i could and burried my face into my hands. i cried. i cried to my heart's content.

suddenly, fear embraced me as to a shawl covered me from the cold. i fear of losing everything i have. i fear not to see the dawn anymore. its like a grim is chasing me. i want to run, i want to hide. i felt sorry for myself. i felt mad, stupid and crazy. i almost put my life into my hands. i felt so lost and wounded inside. i did not only hurt myself physically, but also emotionally and mentally. i made everything worse.

i stood up and took a dip on the water. i painstakingly washed my wrist with salty water and removed the stain. soon it will heal.

on my way home, i realized about a lot of things. i remembered those people around me. those who love me and those whom i love. i thought of my plans, my dreams and my goal. i realized that life has a lot to offer me. life is too precious to loose. and then, i thought about God, His blessings ang His love. and with that everything just turned out fine... i felt relieved and healed.

written: august 30, 2004

ebadan

(alay sa ikatlong kasarian ng lipunan)

naglalakad sa may ermita,
kumakayod upang kumita.
ako ay hindi isang puta,
hindi rin isang manganangta.

ako'y isang lalake noon,
naging isang babae ngayon.
ang aking tagong katauhan,
ngayo'y lantad na sa lipunan.

ako ay pinagtatawanan,
ako ay pinandidirihan,
tulad ko'y alipin ng laman.
sabi, ako'y salot ng bayan.

ako ay huwag n'yong hatulan.
ako ay huwag n'yong layuan.
subalit ako'y inyong tignan
sa panloob na kaanyuan.

'pagkat ako ay isang EBADAN,
may pinagsamang katauhan,
maging lantad o tago pa man,
'di ikahihiya kailanman.


isinulat noong taong 1999

twilight

alone
having no one to talk on the phone
lost
like a roaming ghost
insane
not even feeling the same
bored
as an out-tuned chord
having a heart that sores
for nobody cared to open a door
having eyes that are swollen
for my happiness is stolen
weakand still i can't speak
down
in this face is a frown
frightened
but never been haunted
rejected
until when will i be unwanted?

Copyright ©2004

an entry to a poetry.com contest
which made to the semi-finals :)

things u hav 2 knw abt me

Name: Dang
Address: pasig city, penslave07@yahoo.com
Mark: white birthmark on the left part of my back
Last word I say before I doze off at night: amen
First thing I do when I wake up: look for my phone..then snooze for about 15mins more
Favorite food: greens and mama’s spaghetti all day long!
Dang loves to: sleep, cook, write, draw and sing
What can you find in Dang’s bed: lots of pillows (which you’ll see on the floor in the morning before I wake up), a blanket and a teddy bear that sits at the foot of my bed.
What can you find in dang’s cabinet: hmmm..well, of course, clothes (un iba nkatupi, un iba hindi) books, memorabilias, and lots of old stuff (like a box of 3 peach roses given by my best friend 9 yrs ago..xempre ngaun brown na xa..hehehe!)
Minimum hours of bathing: 30 minutes
Maximum: 2 hours(kasama na concert dunJ )
What makes Dang cry: everything (such a cry baby)
Whom dang wants to be with if deserted in an island: of course, with THE ONE
Dang’s greatest possession: friends and LIKHA (a compilation of my writings)
If time would repeat itself, dang would like to: I’d like to be 17 again and make everything right…
If dang could compare her life with a movie, it would be: The American Beauty
If given a chance to meet someone, who would it be: it would be Joe Black (from the movie meet joe black), and ask how does it feel to take life away…and of course the Creator and ask him about a lot of things
If given a chance to grant 3 wishes, what would it be: well, as of now, I’d wish happiness for everybody, then I really, really wish my writings would be published and finally, I’d wish to die happy (AND HOPEFULLY NOT BY DROWNING)

What most people don’t know about dang:
-she’s a keeper
-she’s a cheesy person
-loves dogs
-has skin asthma
-has weak lungs
-loves to watch cartoons
-hates eggs and milk -she’s a hydrophobic person
-she fears crawling insects (leeches, centipedes, uods, roaches, and the ever freaky LIMATIK!)
-her sisters think that she’s weird (duh!)
-wanders around when something’s bothering her
-wants to be a good mom and a good wife