Miyerkules, Setyembre 01, 2004

confession of a masochist

it is at times like this, when everything seems to be jammed up and everything seems to be undoubtedly hopeless that i loose myself and make me pay for everything that make up my confussion.
it was a starless night. the sky shows off its pitch black beauty as the wind sways the leaves, swaying and dancing as if enjoying being watched by my fascinated eyes. the sky was so dark, no clouds, no nothing except for the big, bright, full moon light. the night is superb. to most, it is a perfect time for romance. but for me, it is the time to think things over. especially when everything is so irrelevant and intangible.
but when i was just about to free myself from all the angst and anxiety, it was when they summoned the beast in me. a beast that i've been trying to tame for the past several years. i tried not to trigger my anger. but i was weak, so it raged. once again, i have turned myself into a beast.
i went out of the house mad. i felt the rush of the adrenalin into the stream of my veins. i ran as a mad dog. running and chasing for its prey. i felt my heart beat fast. fast it goes like a the beat of a drum. i sat by the shore. no one is ever responsible for this but myself and so i must be punished.
despite the sound brought by the speeding waves, i can distinctively hear the sound of the dagger running through my flesh. cutting deep into my skin, tissue by tissue. i felt my skin opened. i felt the air ran between my separated flesh. it happened so fast. so quick that i wasn't able to feel a single pain. i have repeatedly done it. not once, not even just twice. i repeatedly enjoyed the pleasure of seeing myself in pain. the scenario was so horrible. so horrible that it may be the next top grossed horror movie. it's like count dracula thirsting for blood. but in my case, i crave for pain.
slowly everything faded away. the sound of the cool breeze, the sound of the splashing waves, the sound of the silent night. my eyes started to get heavy. i tried to stay awake but i couldn't. i just couldn't keep my eyes open.
i found myself lying on the sand. i sat up and thought for a while. i cannot remember anything, just snap shots of a terrible nightmare. but not til i saw the stain on my shirt and the dagger on my hand. it was when i realized that i gave myself nine cuts. nine deep excruciating cuts. i threw the dagger as far as i could and burried my face into my hands. i cried. i cried to my heart's content.
suddenly, fear embraced me as to a shawl covered me from the cold. i fear of losing everything i have. i fear not to see the dawn anymore. its like a grim is chasing me. i want to run, i want to hide. i felt sorry for myself. i felt mad, stupid and crazy. i almost put my life into my hands. i felt so lost and wounded inside. i did not only hurt myself physically, but also emotionally and mentally. i made everything worse.
i stood up and took a dip on the water. i painstakingly washed my wrist with salty water and removed the stain. soon it will heal.
on my way home, i realized about a lot of things. i remembered those people around me. those who love me and those whom i love. i thought of my plans, my dreams and my goal. i realized that life has a lot to offer me. life is too precious to loose. and then, i thought about God, His blessings ang His love. and with that everything just turned out fine... i felt relieved and healed.
written: august 30, 2004

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